Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hold on to your championship belts because Mason Parris, WWE’s very own miracle-maker from the NIL program, has just stamped his ticket to Paris for the 2024 Olympics! That’s right, in a Herculean showdown that’ll have more reruns than a classic sitcom, Parris demolished Hayden Zillmer 2-0 in the heavyweight freestyle smackdown at the Team USA Olympic wrestling trials. This guy’s more unstoppable than a tweetstorm from a bored billionaire!

While Mason was busy turning dreams into reality, his WWE NIL buddy, Cohlton Schultz, found himself on the less sparkly side of the mat, losing his heavyweight Greco-Roman qualifier against Adam Coon. Tough break, Cohlton! Maybe next time leave the heroics to the guys in the capes, or better yet, a Mason Parris!

Since joining WWE’s Next In Line program in 2021, Mason has been collecting gold medals like they’re going out of style, sweeping through the 2023 Big Ten, NCAA Division I Championships, the Pan-American Games, and let’s not forget, the 2024 Pan-American Championships. Meanwhile, Schultz, a relative newbie since 2022, still managed to snag some hardware of his own at these events, proving there’s still hope for second fiddles.

Let’s take a moment to reminisce about WWE’s first NIL signing, Gable Steveson, the 2020 Olympic gold medalist who debuted with such a lackluster match against Baron Corbin that fans are still waiting for an encore. Just kidding! They’d rather watch paint dry. And speaking of no-shows, remember when Isaac Odugbesan turned into “NXT” North American Champion Oba Femi? And Joe Spivak morphed into Tank Ledger? These NIL signings are turning WWE into a regular talent factory—just without the factory settings!

So, will Mason Parris bring home the gold from Paris, or will he just bring more Twitter followers? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: WWE’s NIL program is producing stars faster than a reality TV show, and we can’t wait to see who breaks the internet next!

By Joseph Gallery

I like ice cream, taking a back seat, wondering who I am, and pretending kayfabe is real. May or may not be the Real Dark Brandon. For the LOLZ. MALARKEY!

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