Folks, let me tell you, Drew McIntyre went head-to-head, toe-to-toe, and forehead-to-toolbox with CM Punk at WWE Bad Blood, and it wasn’t pretty. No, no, not like when you drop your ice cream on the ground—it was much, much worse. It was an absolute crimson catastrophe. They say Drew got 16 staples to the forehead, but with that kind of blood loss, it looked more like he needed 16 gallons of the finest Scottish whiskey just to cope.

CM Punk, known for taking beatings like nobody else, got his noggin introduced to the steel cage—courtesy of McIntyre—and bled for his troubles. But Punk, always thinking one step ahead (or maybe just looking for anything shiny), found a metal toolbox and, like a true craftsman of chaos, cracked Drew’s skull open with it. No blading here, folks—this was good, old-fashioned, real-life head trauma. The result? Drew McIntyre gushing like a geyser in a disaster movie, and Punk getting some “handyman of the year” votes from WWE’s medical staff.

Now, if you thought they’d stop there, you clearly don’t understand what it means to be locked inside a cage with a grudge so big, it could headline WrestleMania itself. These two maniacs decided it was time for some nostalgia, paying tribute to Bret Hart and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s legendary submission match at WrestleMania 13. Punk slapped a Sharpshooter on a blood-drenched McIntyre, whose face was redder than a lobster on vacation.

But wait, there’s more! This wasn’t just any match—it was also a bead-related incident. Yes, you read that right. Drew, ever the innovator, brought out a sack full of loose beads. Did they come from Mardi Gras? A craft store clearance sale? We’ll never know, but we do know Drew’s Claymore Kick went sideways, and before you could say “Scottish Pride,” he was chewing beads like they were bubblegum.

The finale? CM Punk, like the master tactician he is, shoved those beads right back into Drew’s mouth in a poetic reversal of their previous shenanigans. Then, a swift GTS later, McIntyre was counting ceiling tiles, and Punk took the victory lap, completing a match trilogy that no one’s sure whether to celebrate or call for therapy over.

This match was like watching a car crash you just couldn’t look away from—only with more blood, beads, and maybe some regrets. But as always, folks, the real winner is whoever thought of this insanity in the first place. Hell in a Cell never looked so… diabolical.

By Joseph Gallery

I like ice cream, taking a back seat, wondering who I am, and pretending kayfabe is real. May or may not be the Real Dark Brandon. For the LOLZ. MALARKEY!

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