In a shocking development that literally nobody predicted except everyone, the Undisputed WWE Champion John “Raising Your Kids Since 2002” Cena will officially defend his title against Randy “Legacy Baby” Orton at Backlash — and guess what? It’s in Orton’s own backyard of St. Louis. Because nothing says “homecoming” like getting possibly humiliated in front of your cousins and the guy who made your Starbucks latte that morning.
After eating an RKO on “WWE Raw” like it was an undercooked Thanksgiving turkey, Cena kicked off “WWE SmackDown” ready to speak. And by ready, we mean not at all ready, because Randy Orton stormed in before Cena could even clear his throat.
Orton got all sentimental, reminding everyone that it’s been 25 years since he and Cena first shook hands — back when dial-up internet was still a thing and people thought cargo shorts were cool. Then Randy took a sharp turn into “weird uncle at Thanksgiving” territory, diagnosing Cena with an emotional void and prescribing… children. Yes, Randy Orton, noted scholar of human fulfillment, told John Cena it’s time to have kids and grow up. Maybe next he’ll recommend essential oils.
Cena, never one to take things lightly (or maturely), clapped back saying he’s been “raising everyone else’s kids for 25 years” and that he’s a better parent than Randy ever could be — despite, and this is important, having no kids. Savage. Ruthless. Iconic. Somewhere, a WWE lawyer started drafting a cease-and-desist from the Orton family.
Orton called Cena a “guest” in WWE — which is honestly a bold move for a guy who has more wellness violations than Cena has jean shorts. Cena, being Cena, cranked the emotional damage up to 11, telling Orton he’s staying champion forever and locking Randy’s career stats at “14 titles and a dream.”
Things then got predictably spicy: Orton demanded a match on the spot. Cena suggested they save it for Backlash so Orton could, quote, “rest up with his family.” Translation: “Take a nap, Grandpa.”
Then Cena tried to hit Orton with the belt like it was a folding chair at a family BBQ, but Randy, fueled by hometown spite, countered with a vicious RKO. Because if there’s one thing Randy Orton loves, it’s RKOing people who almost get the upper hand.
Backlash now officially features John Cena vs. Randy Orton in what promises to be a nostalgia-soaked, family-drama-filled battle for the soul of… well, mostly just a shiny belt.