In what can only be described as a certified WrestleMania hangover, John Cena walked into the Raw after ‘Mania looking like the “last real champion”—and walked out like the first real victim of an RKO outta somewhere very close, actually.
After shocking the world by dethroning Cody Rhodes and becoming the Undisputed WWE Champion, Cena kicked off the show in Las Vegas by demanding to be introduced as “the greatest of all time, the never-seen 17”—a reference to his record-breaking title wins and his increasingly elusive hairline.
He then reminded the crowd, with the loving tone of a bitter stepdad, that their applause meant nothing because they didn’t support him back when it mattered, brother. The fans, in a rare moment of self-awareness or possible inebriation, chanted “We are sorry!”, prompting Cena to respond with the emotional depth of a vending machine: “They’re not sorry.”
Just when Cena asked everyone to take a picture—presumably to hang next to their regrets—Randy Orton slithered into frame like a well-timed Yelp review and delivered an RKO so spicy it left Cena wondering if he had even won at WrestleMania or just dreamt the whole thing during a cold plunge.
The Vegas crowd exploded as Orton posed in the corner, reminding Cena and everyone else that Backlash is coming to St. Louis—and the Apex Predator might be back to reclaim his hunting license.
The scoreboard currently reads:
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Cena: 1 championship
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Orton: 1 chiropractic adjustment
One thing’s clear—if this is Cena’s “retirement tour,” somebody forgot to tell Randy. Or maybe they told him and he just said, “Cool, I’ll end it early.”