Well folks, if you thought WWE Raw was going to end with just a backstage verbal war and a Seth Rollins/Punk scuffle, you clearly forgot we live in the Netflix era, where anything is possible—including a sweaty comedian chokeslamming two former champions in jorts.
After cameras stopped rolling on Raw, CM Punk—who had just been flat-ironed into the canvas by Seth Rollins—decided he wasn’t done dishing out punishment. So he GTS’d Austin Theory with the ease of someone swatting a fly, and then delivered a second GTS to Grayson Waller, just because he could. But the real showstopper?
Bert Kreischer, shirtless and probably fueled by nachos and dreams, waddled into the ring and hit not one, but TWO chokeslams—with Punk’s help and wrestling physics’ permission.
Yes. Bert “The Machine” Kreischer, stand-up comic, Netflix mainstay, and spiritual cousin to Otis from Alpha Academy, entered the squared circle like a drunken bear with nothing to lose. And for once, the only people doing the job were Theory and Waller.
Earlier in the show, Kreischer had already popped up in a backstage hype-fest with Otis and Alpha Academy, where shirts were torn, stomachs were exposed, and testosterone levels were irresponsibly high. It was part pro wrestling, part Dad Olympics. The energy? Chaotic. The nipples? Present.
Kreischer’s appearance continues Netflix’s current strategy of “What if we merged Monday Night Raw with open mic night?” Just this week alone: Bert throws chokeslams, Tony Hinchcliffe does guest commentary, and somewhere, Roman Reigns is probably asking Paul Heyman, “What the hell is going on over there?”
The whole segment wrapped up with Kreischer, still shirtless, standing tall in the ring like the weirdest boss in a video game cutscene. Meanwhile, Austin Theory and Grayson Waller were left rethinking their career choices, life decisions, and maybe gravity.
One day, we’ll all tell our grandkids: “Yes, Punk returned, and yes, Bert Kreischer chokeslammed people in cargo shorts on Raw.” And they’ll say, “What’s a cable subscription?”