In a move absolutely nobody saw coming except literally everyone with a pulse, Maxwell Jacob Friedman—better known as MJF, the only man who can cut a promo while shopping for scarves at Burberry—attempted to join the Hurt Syndicate on AEW Dynamite this week. But just as he was about to become the group’s newest insurance liability, Bobby Lashley came out and said, “Actually, we’re full, thanks.”
It all started when MJF strolled into St. Paul, Minnesota, and graciously insulted the crowd (as is tradition). Then, with all the subtlety of a guy sliding into your DMs at 2 a.m., he called out MVP to finalize what looked like a done deal. With MVP grinning like a proud LinkedIn manager welcoming a new intern, MJF sang the praises of the Hurt Syndicate’s cold, professional approach—aka: “We don’t do feelings, we do fists.”
“I’ve been looking at this card for an awfully long time,” MJF declared, “and my decision is: I’d like to be in the business of hurting people.”
Which, frankly, is a better career choice than tweeting at Elon Musk. But just as he and MVP were about to seal it with a firm capitalist handshake, boom—the Hurt Syndicate’s theme music hit like a stock market crash.
Out walked Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin, wearing gold and expressions that screamed, “This meeting could’ve been an email.” Lashley entered the ring, took one look at MJF, and tore up the Syndicate invitation like it was a cease-and-desist letter from Impact Wrestling.
MJF, in the spirit of every spurned ex at a reunion party, tried to confront Lashley. Lashley answered with the universal symbol for “Back off, Junior”—a slowly raised fist. MVP played mediator like a divorced dad at a Chuck E. Cheese, assuring everyone that things were still “cool,” which they absolutely were not.
And just when things couldn’t get messier, The Learning Tree—Big Bill and Bryan Keith—showed up looking like they wandered in from a motivational seminar at Planet Fitness. They demanded a title shot, but MVP swiped left so hard it echoed.
So now, the Hurt Syndicate has to deal with:
-
MJF’s broken heart.
-
Bobby Lashley’s HR policies.
-
A feud with guys who sound like they should be handing out life advice on YouTube shorts.
Good luck, MVP. You’re gonna need it—and possibly a therapist.