Jacob Fatu, the newly crowned “Samoan Werewolf” and proud owner of the United States Championship, barely had time to warm up his shiny new belt before the challengers started crawling out of the woodwork like ants at a Fourth of July picnic.
On WWE SmackDown, Fatu and his hype man/cousin/in-house instigator Solo Sikoa hit the ring for what was supposed to be a humble celebration of Fatu’s WrestleMania 41 win. Instead, it quickly turned into a family therapy session gone wrong. Sikoa, fresh off earning his master’s degree in Taking Credit For Other People’s Success, declared that he was the sole reason Fatu made it into WWE. According to Solo, everyone else in the family thought Fatu was “too much trouble,” which, frankly, is like being called too rowdy at a rock concert — almost a compliment.
The camera caught Fatu giving Solo that “I’m about to main event Thanksgiving dinner with a folding chair” look, and sure enough, he snatched the mic like it was a turkey leg. Fatu let the world know he’s ready for all comers, proudly declaring himself “America’s Most Wanted” — despite having no known affiliation with Dog the Bounty Hunter (yet).
Cue LA Knight’s music. “The Megastar” stomped to the ring faster than a Black Friday shopper going after the last 70-inch TV, demanding a rematch. But just when it looked like Knight was going to shoot his shot, Drew “Scottish Dad Bod” McIntyre’s music hit and out came Big Daddy Claymore himself.
Before addressing Fatu, McIntyre first took a moment to thank Damian Priest for their absolutely violent WrestleMania showdown — because nothing says gratitude like kicking a man’s spine into a taco shape.
McIntyre then turned his attention to Fatu, calling him the “baddest dog in the yard” and saying he wanted a piece. Somewhere off-camera, Roman Reigns’ lawyer started furiously scribbling cease-and-desist letters.
LA Knight and McIntyre traded barbs like two suburban dads arguing over lawn mower brands, and it was about to get real when SmackDown GM Nick Aldis stormed out to play principal. Aldis announced that instead of throwing fists at each other right then and there (tragic), Knight and McIntyre would fight later that night in a Number One Contender’s Match for Fatu’s shiny new belt.
Because nothing says “America’s Most Wanted” like a crowded line at the DMV… except, apparently, the U.S. Title scene right now.